Well....  Back to life sucking major ass again.  Living with my in-laws is not easy.  Feeling like a huge burden is not exactly fun.  STILL not having a job makes it all even worse.  I send out dozens of resumes and go on many interviews... I never get a call back.  I don't understand what it is that I am lacking.  Today I didn't even want to get out of bed.  What for?  Not like I have anything pressing I need to get done. 

My doctor has recently put me on blood pressure pills, which I am not happy about.  It wasn't discussed with me, the prescription was just called in.  They put me on beta blockers, and this particular brand is known to cause significant weight gain.  I'm overweight enough, I don't need any help thank you.  Not only that, I just lost ten pounds, I don't want to gain another twenty that I can't get rid of, even with diet and exercise because it lowers my heart rate too much.  I thought all my doctor's wanted me to LOSE weight, why would they prescribe something that would make it virtually impossible? 

Oh today of all days is a bad day, and it only seems like it's getting worse.  Maybe I should just go back to bed.  Not because anything terrible has happened but because nothing has happened.  What's the point of being up?

I don't think I'd ever actually do it, but sometimes I wonder about hurting myself in some small way that might give me something to think about and feel other than this hopelessness.  But that's just stupid, and I'm not that desperate.  Yet.

I can't believe that I cannot find some kind of work here.  I've sent out literally dozens of applications and resumes and have no leads.  The job market in Findlay is just dead.  I can't even find anything in Toledo or Columbus.  I never should have left Corporate, no matter how absolutely miserable and crazy it made me. 

I'm tired of lying to my family members about working and that everything is a-ok when it's not.  Last week my grandma asked if I was still working at the same place and I just lied to her face and said yes. 

I wonder where we'll be living in a month.  We can't afford to stay here on a pizza delivery driver's tips.  Sorry, just not gonna cut it.  There's nowhere cheaper in Findlay.  Not that would take the cats anyway, and I'm not giving up my babies.  I'm not even sure Jesse's parents would take them if we had to move back in there, god forbid.

Hah, god.  That's funny.  Must have some great plan in place for me, huh?  I'm not sure what I am supposed to be learning from not having a job and not being able to pay my bills.  I'm not exactly sure what that's supposed to be preparing me for.  Sure there are people worse off than me, but that doesn't make my pain any less real, nor does it make it any less significant.

I'm still a newlywed... I'd imagine that two years is still considered newlyweds, right?  I've had sex once in nearly two and half months.  Not that it's anyone's fault, I mean who has the energy for that when there are so many other things to worry over?  It seems like the only thing Jesse and I share intimately with each other is pain and disappointment.  But at least we have that right, I guess there are some who don't even have that.

As much as I try to pretend otherwise, my life is gray right now.  I have nothing to look forward to.  What's the point of getting up in the morning, other than to be met with some more bad news?  I'm a little more than pathetic right now. 

I finally broke down and cried a little last night, but I couldn't even have that, because it made Jesse feel guilty and thus he began crying over what a terrible husband he is and that I shouldn't have to be worrying about all this.  I won't make that mistake again.  I hate crying anyway.  Only babies cry.

The only distraction I had was walking Toby.  It's hard to think of anything but how blissfully happy he was that someone loved him enough to take for a walk.  Now I can't even have that because of my stupid ankle.  Oh, I sprained it.. again.. for the third time in two months. 

So I'll sit at home I guess, getting fatter, not making any money, adding little to environment in which I live but body heat.  At least Loki appreciates that.  Not so much Moose.  He doesn't really like me.  I'm not his human; he likes Jesse. 

For anyone I've been neglecting lately--Angel--I'm sorry.  It's not that I've forgotten about you, it's just hard to get up the energy anymore to be even lousy company.  The good news is I'll get sick of my pathetic self before too long and return back to normal. 

I told Jesse a few weeks ago that I really wanted to go to the beach, just for a picnic and to put my feet in the water.  But I guess you have to have gas money to that, and well....